Marvel Super Heroes: Secret Wars #9 (January 1985)

The Secret Wars rage on! Last time, the miniseries said goodbye to 1984 as we saw She-Hulk take a superhuman beatdown, the heroes and villains had an epic brawl. The Wasp got deus ex machina'd back to life. Also, Spider-Man got a sleek new suit, one that totally will not cause him any troubles in the future. It's just a suit. It's totally not some alien symbiote or anything. It's just a suit. And nothing else.

But now, the heroes have another big problem. Galactus is hungry. Galactus eats planets. And Battleworld is presumably the only planet around. Yup. That's a problem. That is a problem right there. So, how will the heroes deal with this? Let's find out in Marvel Super Heroes: Secret Wars #9!

The cover is pretty awesome. It's a Mike Zeck and Bob McLeod piece that depicts the heroes jumping into battle against Galactus. The angle really gives the impression that this is going to be an epic battle. Which does make sense. Galactus is one of the most powerful beings in the Marvel Universe, and we're seeing some of the Marvel Universe's greatest heroes taking him on. Galactus's pose there is kind of funny. I get it would not be in character for him to do a "Bring it" pose, so I can see why they'd go for a more Kirby-esque one there. It's still kind of funny.

"Assault on Galactus!"
Writer: Jim Shooter
Penciler: Mike Zeck
Inker: John Beatty
Colorist: Christie Scheele
Letterer: Joe Rosen
Editor: Tom DeFalco
Editor-in-Chief: Jim Shooter

The story begins with a recovering Piotr "Colossus" Rasputin witnessing what the narrator describes as the "beginning of the end"...

"...what is he saying?! SPEAK UP, MAN!"

The steel-skinned powerhouse checks on the comatose Zsaji, lamenting that she seems to be in love with the Human Torch and not him. In a nice showing of maturity, he does say he accepts that as long as she's happy. Determined, he armors up and heads to battle.

Storm of the X-Men flies towards Galactus's machine, and tries to fry it like an egg with some lightning. It has no effect. In fact, Galactus seems to not even be the least bit bothered. The X-Men try another attack, but there are defenses ready for them. In the alien village, Hawkeye, the newly-back Wasp, and Monica Rambeau watch the battle, and a mushroom cloud erupts.

"Oh, that is going to suck..."

The other heroes fly off in an aircraft to give the X-Men some much-needed backup. We get another character moment here with Thor and Hulk. The God of Thunder tries to cheer the glum Green Goliath up by telling him that this battle is going to be epic. But Hulk's not feeling up to brawl. He fears he's losing his intellect. Ben Grimm has the opposite problem. He needs the power of the Thing, but he's stuck in his human form. He slams a console in frustration...and changes back into the Thing. Iron Man is a bit suspicious of the mysterious new Spider-Woman who has joined their ranks.

The Man in the Iron Suit does admit that he and Spider-Woman have one thing in common: They are both strangers in a strange land. James Rhodes is suspicious about people realizing that he's not Tony Stark, but it only makes him determined to prove that he's the Iron Man now. His reverie is interrupted by Spider-Man enjoying his new black duds he got in the last issue.

Reed Richards is puzzling over why these Secret Wars were started. What's in it for the Beyonder? Why this particular group of heroes and villains? However, Reed should have remembered to focus on piloting as the ship is hit by a strange tendril of energy.

"BULLSEYE! That's 500 points!"

The ship is about to crash, but someone manages to stop it.

Colossus isn't in pain from grabbing the jet, he's just REALLY hungover.

Colossus was able to pull off saving the heroes. But he paid for his awesomeness by aggravating his wounds. The heroes discover the energy tendril that hit them came from Galactus. He's using his machine to break down Battleworld into energy he can consume. The heroes engage Galactus, but Reed Richards ends up having a bit of a brainstorm. He's realized why this whole thing has gone down, and tries to get the other heroes to stop fighting Galactus.

You see, this is a chance to rid the universe of the World-Eater. If he wins these Secret Wars, then the Beyonder will grant him his fondest wish: A final end to his unceasing hunger. If that happens, Galactus will be at peace, and the universe will be safe. Yeah, one problem, Reed: EVERYONE ON BATTLEWORLD WILL BE DEAD. Before he can say much more, the stretchy scientist vanishes. And so has Galactus and his machine. So, where did they go?

"Hello, Reed. I have beer in the fridge. Help yourself."

Welcome to Galactus's humble home. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, indoor Jacuzzi and pool, even has a mancave. Or cosmic being cave. Galactus breaks the ice with Reed by showing him an image of Sue and Franklin Richards on Earth. So, why did Galactus being Reed to his home? Well, it wasn't because he wanted to show off his new minibar. But before we can learn what the Big G has to say, the scene shifts to the former Doombase.

There, Doctor Doom sits still as a statue, but then...he has a Eureka Moment. He realizes he has to return to Galactus's ship. He activates a hidden backup battery in his armor, and uses it to blast his way out of his cell. The other villains call for him to free them, but Doom refuses. There is only one other person here he needs: Klaw. Klaw spent time as energy coursing through the walls of Galactus's ship, so Doom is going to dissect him. Like a frog.

Colossus is nearby, digging for the other X-Men, but he didn't need to worry.

"Oh thank goodness, I think I have full-on internal bleeding now."

They're alright. Banged up, but alright. Magneto created a thick layer of Earth to protect them from the explosion. Huh, didn't know Magneto was a geokinetic. With that, the X-Men rejoin the other heroes at Zsaji's village. And on happier news, Zsaji herself has woke up, and ran to Johnny. The heroes debate about what to do next about Galactus. Reed Richards returns and explains what Galactus told him.

Evidently, according to the World-Eater, Reed Richards is a "force of the universe" much like Galactus is. In fact, the two are sort of opposites. Reed is a champion of life, whereas Galactus is an instrument of death. Yeah...Reed is one of the Marvel Universe's premier minds, and he is the member of the team that ushered in the Modern Age of Heroes in the Marvel Universe...but I would not be that quick to say he's some important cosmic being. Anyway, this has convinced Reed that the heroes should let Galactus just eat Battleworld. Sure, everyone on it will die, but Galactus may get his wish for his hunger to end, and trillions more lives will be saved.

Naturally, this causes some dissent among the heroes as Galactus returns to the mountain with his machine. Captain America decides that he's going to take on the Eater of Worlds, and if anyone wants to join him, they're welcome to help.

Back in Doombase, Doom himself is playing observer. He notices the Beyonder has activated a portal in space, right near Galactus's ship. He sees his opportunity, but must work fast. He had been dissecting Klaw to learn more about Galactus's ship. And since Klaw is a being of solid sound, instead of looking like a gory mess, he looks like sliced up bread or deli meat.

"Welcome to Doom's Deli! We have a special on Klaw Bologna this week!"

Now I want a sandwich. Mmm, sandwich...

Where was I? Oh, yeah. The heroes are taking the fight to the World-Eater. He's a bit low on energy, as it took a lot out of him to bring his ship here, and he likely hasn't eaten a planet in months. Despite that, Galactus is still incredibly powerful, and is able to take everything the heroes throw at him...and hurl it right back at them. Reed joins the battle. The stretchy scientist is still unsure that what he's doing is right...but he has a family back home, and he wants to see them.

The heroes eventually turn the tables on Galactus and trash his machine. Reed tells them to get Galactus himself, as his machine is unimportant. The Big G manages to get away, much to Reed's frustration. You see, the machine isn't the thing that allows Galactus to eat planets. It just allows him to eat them more efficiently. Instead, he turns on eating his own ship for power. This is Doom's turn to strike. He has fashioned some lenses from Klaw's body. The story ends with Doom preparing to use those lenses to channel the power of Galactus's ship directly into Doom himself.

This was...not the best issue of the miniseries. I felt the whole thing with Galactus and Reed was pretty pointless. This would have made a lot more sense if Galactus did this in an attempt to keep the heroes off-center so he could eat Battleworld in peace, but...yeah. I did get a good chuckle out of Doom making Klaw into sliced sonic bread. It's so bizarre. I also wish we got to learn a little more about the new Spider-Woman. The scene in the  I can't really think of anything to say about the art, I think it's alright.

Thanks for reading this blog entry! If you liked it, spread it around! Join me next time, as we check out a fun little team-up between an Avengers stalwart, and a newbie superhero...