Wonder Woman #214 (November 1974)

It's that time again! It's time to join the Amazing Amazon known as Wonder Woman as she undergoes her Twelve Trials to rejoin the Justice League! Back in January, Superman regaled us of her first trial, where she battled the Batman villain Cavalier and his army of hypnotized women. In February, the Flash told the tale of her second trial, in which she joined forces with an anti-war protestor and a gangster to battle a robot that ended all conflict.

These two were...pretty stupid. They felt like first drafts to me. But hey, let's be optimistic. There's still ten other trials left. Maybe things will improve. So, let's join the Emerald Gladiator, the Green Lantern, as he tells the tale of Wonder Woman's third trial. Appropriate that we look at this comic in March, considering this month has St. Patrick's Day, and well...Green Lantern. Let's take a look at Wonder Woman #214!

The cover is rather interesting. It's a Bob Oksner piece, and it depicts Green Lantern standing in front of an image of Wonder Woman trying to lasso a bomb-dropping plane. Can she prevent it from blowing Moscow into borscht? We also see two smaller images. One is of a Golden Age-styled Wonder Woman standing in front of a wanted poster of her that's being shot at. There's Sotrmtrooper aiming, and then there's this. The second image shows Wondy trying to strangle a dragon with a tree. That dragon was peeking in on her while changing. It deserves what it gets.

The comic promises 100 pages for only 60 cents! However, most of these stories are reprints of older Wonder Woman tales. The trial is the only "new" story in this comic, and it's the one we're going to look at here. Also, it's the only tale in the trade collection. So there's that.

"Wish Upon a Star!"
Writer: Elliot S! Maggin
Penciler: Curt Swan
Inker: Frank Giacola
Letterer: Unknown
Colorist: Unknown
Editor: Unknown

The story begins with Hal Jordan, the Silver Age Green Lantern, flying to the Justice League Satellite. He's come to report in on Wonder Woman's third labor. Hal had been charging his ring when his power battery flashed like it had shorted out. This worries Hal, as he needs the battery to keep his ring working. However, the Power Battery is an advanced piece of technology, and it would take something really extraordinary to mess with it.

Using his ring, Hal tracks the source of the strange disturbance to New York City. Wonder Woman's been working there as part of the United Nations' Crisis Bureau. It's there he finds the Amazing Amazon taking to a man named Lord Rosewater. She's recommending this new restaurant to him called Hank's Pub. It's an English-style restaurant with a Henry VIII-theme. The owner is even named Henry Tudor. I imagine that wasn't his birth surname.

Lord Rosewater is excited, as he is hoping to enjoy some good British food. Eh, I like a good bacon butty myself. Hal follows them to the restaurant.

Mr. Tudor himself is wearing an amulet, and it's emitting a slight glow in Diana's presence. He tells Diana that she is his millionth guest. Now I know what you're thinking: "Wait a minute, isn't this a new restaurant? How could he have had a million guests already?" Well, it's simple: he can't count. Tudor invites Diana and Lord Rosewater to a feast as his guests. Meanwhile, Hal sneaks in and poses as a waiter.

In his report, Hal reveals that the amulet around Henry's neck was actually a magical Celtic trinket. He bought it off of an Roma woman in Coney Island a year earlier. He opened up Hank's Pub a short time later. However, despite the unique theme, the bar was not doing so well. He ended up in debt, and he needed cash. He remembers that the Roma woman told him that when his trinket is in the presence of a "sister amulet", the wishes of the amulet holders will come true...a fat lot of good that does him right now.

Henry's luck changed when Diana arrived. She had complimented him on the duck roast and said she wished he had some ducks...for some reason. Henry sees the landlord of his pub coming and wishes that he could be delayed. And as if fate had granted his desire, the landlord got hit by a truck...a truck carrying a duck order. It was also at that moment that Hal's Power Battery had acted up. Wonder Woman grabbed the landlord and took his to the hospital. This surprises Tudor and gets him to thinking. Maybe the old Roma woman wasn't talking nonsense. After all, it is the DC Universe.

This weird turn of events convinces him that Diana may have the "sister amulet" to his. Back in the present, Tudor presents a cake to Diana and Lord Rosewater to a celebratory cake, where he invites her to blow out the candle and make a wish. To test out his theory, he makes a wish of his own: To be King of the World. Wow, jumping into the whole "world domination" thing already, Hank?

It makes Hal's ring act up, forcing him to remove it and put it in his pocket. Lord Rosewater gets a message from his...beeper. Yeah, he has a pager. In 1974. I'm not kidding! I thought pagers were a thing in the 90s! Well, to be fair, pagers were developed in the 1950s and 60s, but it blows my mind that someone in 1974 would have a pager like we think of them. At that moment, some events occurred all over Earth.

In Omaha, Nebraska, the US military loses contact with a bomber. The plane flies into the borders of the Soviet Union. The JLA is unaware of this thinks to their satellite's systems being messed with it. Green Arrow, who was on monitor duty at the time, grumbles that alien gadgetry shouldn't be trusted. Lord Rosewater and Diana head back to the Crisis Bureau, with Diana taking her Invisible Jet there.

At the UN, Diana listens in the crisis. A bomber with two nuclear warheads in it is on its way to Moscow, there's no way to stop it. If those warheads hit, the USSR has an automatic system for retaliation...and there's no way to stop that. Did...did Diana just stumble into Dr. Strangelove?!

Diana, if a man named General Ripper asks about your "precious bodily fluids", run. Run as a fast as you can. He is not a well man. So, what's going on with Mr. Tudor? Well, he's on his way to the bank to get some money to pay his rent. He's taken to the bank's new safety deposit box vault. A vault that is bomb-proof. A tremor erupts that traps him inside the vault. The vault has a time-lock system, so he's trapped for the next seven hours.

Wondy's invisible plane races through the sky, trying to reach the bomber. She catches the plane with her magic lasso, and decides now is a good time to practice her tightrope act.

The crew of the bomber spot the Amazing Amazon, and the gunner opens fire on her. Uh, fellas? If Wonder Woman is walking towards your plane using her lasso as a tightrope, she may be trying to tell you something!

She's able to sneak onto the plane, but Diana finds herself caught in the plane's...unique security system.

Wait, was this plane's security system specially designed for her in mind? Wonder Woman fears she has lost her powers, as back in the Silver Age, if she is shackled by a man, she loses her powers. Thing is...were the people of this plane expecting her? She explains to the crew the big situation, and they agree to not drop the bombs...until the bombs are dropped. Whoops. Welp, World War III is here, it was nice knowing y'all! Try not to get mutated too badly out there!

Wait, there's still hope! Diana leaps out of the plane after the bombs. She coils her magic lasso around the giant bringers of nuclear destruction, and then squeezes the bombs with the lasso until they blow.

"Now she's radioactive! That can't be good!"

With that crisis over, Hal's ring is working again. As well as all the communications equipment. He also was able to find King Henry Tudor. Tudor's wish to be king of the world accidentally became true. In that vault, he would have survived an apocalypse. What did Diana wish for? Well, Hal doesn't know. He imagines she wished to return to the League. As far as the Emerald Gladiator is concerned, she's earned it. The story ends with him flying out of the League satellite.

This issue was...well, like the others, kind of stupid. The story felt like a first draft in places. Particularly with Tudor's amulet. The whole thing with the amulet requiring a "sister" amulet felt needless, just a pointless addition. I felt that there was some missed opportunity to pay homage to Dr. Strangelove with this story. The film did come out a few years before this comic, after all. There could have been a real opportunity to do some commentary on the Cold War, but it was missed. Diana doing the tightrope walk was pretty awesome, though.

Tudor isn't really much of a supervillain, though. I think it would have been better if he was portrayed as just a man who went in over his head. Would fit Wonder Woman. His dressing up as the English king was pretty funny. Curt Swan again turns in some fine art. It's neat seeing him on a non-Superman DC book, as he has considered THE Superman artist at the time. His art is really one of the few good things about this comic.

If you want to read this for yourself, I do recommend hunting down the 2012 trade paperback Wonder Woman: The Twelve Labors. Thanks for reading this blog entry! If you liked it, spread it around! Join me next time, where we look at the tale of a man...with the POWER...